Juliette

In da club

    Even though I am young and livin' in NYC, I really don't go to the clubs. I mean, yeah when I was 18 and first moved here, of course the first thing I did was rush down to Chinatown and get a fake ID so I could hit the clubs. ha! Here is how that worked out:

     So my friend and I went to Chinatown because we had heard through the grapevine that this shady Kodak center there sells IDs.  So we went down, thinking we'd be set for the next 3 years of our lives.  WRONG. We get there, and the man hands us a little paper sheet to fill out: name, address, birthday, SSC number...and we thought "awesome! we can just fill in bullshit info and bam! new identity." So I put my name down as "Lisa Dolson" (which I didn't think was thaaatttt far of a stretch since my mom's maiden name is Dolson and well..I've always liked the name Lisa so..) Yeah. Lisa Dolson, born on November 2nd 1987 (being 22 just seemed way more legit than 21, right?) and I used my best friend from home's address.  Flawless! My friend put her name down at "Roxanne" 'cause well...I guess she just liked that name. We got our pictures taken and then he made them all official, putting the bar code on the back- since clubs scan IDs.  Oh yeah, and I was from Ohio and she was from like, New Hampshire.  (what's funny about groups of underage people with IDs is that no one is from the same state.  I mean, sure that could be possible..but it's highly unlikely that all these strangers just came together like that) so anyway- we pay our $83 and get ready for our first night out on the town.  HA! So we get all dressed up in what we thought was really hip 21-year old outfits (my look: a tank top with a black cardigan, bell bottoms, and kitten heels...yikes) and we go to the club near where we lived.  I hand my card over to the bouncer- fiddling around in my purse- (because hey, I'm 22 and do this kind of thing all the time) but he just looks at me and LAUGHS. He practically chucks it at me and says "get the hell outta line, haha."  He didn't even take my ID because it was so laughably fake! greeeattttt. Ok, ok, we thought- that's just one club, let's try the next one.  This time, the bouncer didn't even laugh.  He just looked at us with tired eyes and sighed"you know I could take this right?" That was almost worse than being thrown out of line.  Despite being turned down at pretty much every single bar/club we tried, we started to walk home until I saw a cool looking club bustling with sexy people.  I looked at my friend and gave her a little pep talk "we might as well try this one. C'mon we really have nothing to lose.  The worst thing that could happen is that he laughs in our face..which has happened a million times tonight already."  Encouraged or tired of hearing me talk, my friend agrees to try this place.  We walk up and the bouncer says "ID" and I was about to take out good ol' Lisa Dolson, but then I thought "no. clearly, Lisa sucks and doesn't work anywhere. Let me try..my student ID- which neither confirms no denies my age".  Handing my student ID over to him, he looks at it and says (duh) "there's no birthday." But then I say "well this is my graduation year" pointing to the year the ID was issued. He hesitates but then stamps my hand and we're in!!  Victory at last. Perseverance is key. Try Try again.  All these cliches..finally make sense! 

    Now that was from years and years ago.  Today, I am an older, wiser, more savvy club goer...not that I even go to clubs much anymore...or ever.  But what is actually funny about that is that I *did* go the club about a week ago. A nice one too. But honestly, I didn't even know how to get ready for the club anymore!  A lot of smoky eye? Black tight clothes?  Super high heels? uh..sureee. it's pathetic though. Getting ready and hittin' the clubs should be second nature to me by now, but nope. stillllll a process. But that's ok. Fine. whatever. I got ready. looked appropriate for a club I guess, and met my friends there.  When we walked in, I was like WHOA. what is this? Since I was very sober and aware- I saw the club for what it really is...a big dark room with a group of people gyrating in the middle to loud music under hazy lights and clusters of scantily clad girls teetering in heels, downing vodka cranberries, looking around for boys, and texting ex-boyfriends.  Whoa. but hey, whatever. a club is a club. You can't stand around and talk to your girlfriends about how lame it is because you could do that at home.  So it's best to just dance.  Which is what we did and it was fun. 

    But I still can't say "I was at the club" with a straight face.  haha, I really can't!  Someone had texted me while I was there and I was like "oh no, I'm still at the club...wait, wtf? who says that!?!" haha. I'm giggling now.
 

Only if I were...

    I like life as is.  It's pretty good, not gonna lie.  And I don't like to think of myself as ungrateful for this "pretty good life" but I can't help but constantly wonder what life would be like if I were say...famous, or living in Harry Potter world, or taller, or rich, or had blue eyes, or owned a dog, or lived in Europe, or had a personal chef/massager, or had a photographic memory, etc.  The list goes on but these are the ones I usually think about.  

    If I were famous, whoa. That'd be sick.  And honestly? I would probably be a diva.  Because when the world is kissing your feet, why kick 'em away?  If they want to think I am God's gift to the world, who am I to tell them differently?  "No guys, really- I'm just a normal gal.  I burp and make crude jokes and have bad hair days- just like you."  Um no.  I hate when the stars say stuff like that because it makes us "little people" sound disgusting.  Hey, just because we're not strutting down the red carpet doesn't mean we can't look good and act appropriately!  And plus, burping and farting and whatever stars qualify as "normal" is considered gross by anyone's standards.  So try relating to the people in ways that you would do to a friend and not say, a loser. But anyway, back to the point: if I were famous I would be super generous (assuming that I'd be as rich as Oprah) and would take my friends and family on mini getaways (separately of course, lol. only in a perfect world would friends and family party together...but I guess, that's a wedding isn't it?) I'd also be the most relaxed person ever with all my massages. I'd pay someone by the hour to be at my beckon call for a massage.  And a good one too.  Or maybe even a designated "back-tickler", because that's nice too.. ahh what a life, what a life...

    Now, if I lived in Harry Potter world, I think I would either be the happiest person in the world or the craziest.  Since I really don't know how the other characters live in HP world, I guess I'd have to be friends with Hermonie, Harry, and Ron.  Ron would probably be my boyfriend- which may be a little weird because we are both gingers..I'd blend right in with his family.  I'd have to toughen him up though- he is a bit of a wimp.  But I'd gladly take him over Harry.  Harry is not only like, 4 ft tall but he is always so intense/urgent that I just couldn't deal.  I mean, he would be very protective and all, but I feel like I'd always be at the house alone because he'd be off battling something or saving someone. *sigh*.  I guess that makes Hermonie my "gal-pal".  That won't be so bad.  Especially now that she is so stylin'.  We'd all go out for "butter beer" which since JK never specified, I assume it's like cream soda but with alcohol?  Really frothy and thick- yumm.  So we'd go for a pint of that and then hop on our brooms and go.  Actually, I'd probably have a Threstal or whatever those bat-like horses that only those who've seen death can see.  I'd actually like learning spells and magic, so I'd be an A+ student.  Because unlike math or history- magic and spells could be helpful in real life.  It makes much more sense to learn how to make dishes wash themselves or ride a broom than it is to figure out the area of a polygon.

    The rest of my wishes are a little more superficial- like being taller or having blue eyes.  And those things don't even have to be wishes, even.  There are many realistic ways in which I can make these wishes come true.  In fact, I already have.  I can wear super high heels and be tall (which i've done/currently do..but I admit, it's not really the same..but whatever, it's close) andddd I've also had blue contacts before.  And gray ones too...the gray looked a little weird. I thought I looked like a husky.  I would put in one gray one and one blue one in just for fun but people couldn't look at me in the eye.  I guess they just couldn't choose which eye they wanted to look at, but whatever. still cool. 

    Living in Europe has always been a dream of mine, and I'm thinking..why can't i do that?  Why do I have to live here in the US?  No reason!  I could literally pack up my things today- THIS VERY MINUTE- and go to England or something.  And if I were truly impulsive, was rich, and didn't have school- I so would.  But then I think of my family and friends here and I'm like..wait. What would I do in England? I mean, yeah it'd be awesome to go there, but I can't just stay in a youth hostel and wander the streets hoping to make friends/get a job.  I'd end up homeless...although a friend of mine recently informed me that squatting is perfectly legal in England so there aren't really that many homeless people because they're all in houses...maybe it will work out after all...eh, let's be real. I'll live in the US all my life. unless...I met a millionaire who lives in Europe and wants to marry me.  Then, I'll delete this post haha.

    A photographic memory would be cool because I could read a book in record timing.  And, I would be a great help to the police, as I could recall every detail of the crime scene..(assuming I'd be witnessing a ton of crime) ..and I'd be a beast at cold-readings because I would be "memorized" at first glance! I could be glamorizing the whole idea of a photographic memory, but whateves. 'Til I actually meet someone with it, Im-a keep on dreamin'..
 

My itunes library.

    It's almost a joke calling it a "library" considering that there are only 7 songs in it. (although I just discovered how to convert youtube videos to mp3's, so hopefully I'll get more songs, but as of now- there are just 7.)  And honestly?  That's enough for me right now.  I really only LOVE 7 songs- so why throw a bunch of mediocre songs in the mix? It's about quality, not quantity man.  Having such an "intimate selection" of songs is really only a problem when people are over and background music is necessary. And what I consider "good music" is usually *not* what other people classify as good.  Example: some friends and I were just chilling in my room and I had my music playing- everyone was talking so the music was kinda going unnoticed until...a sudden lull in the conversation- at the very moment Shaeen from Britain's got Talent hit a high note.  (btw- shaeen is 12 and is an amazing singer! check him out on youtube) as he carried the note for what seemed like an eternity- my friend goes, "Oh my god, is this what you like, listen to on your ipod?! what is wrong with you?!" I guess it's weird that I have the itunes library of a pedophile? Really, it's only because I just love little talented kids. That kid that covered Lady gaga's "Paparazzi?" BRILL. (and yes, he is on my itunes as well) Don't get me wrong, I don't just have song covers by children on there, I have some hip hop too.  It's the extremes: super innocent or straight-up raunchy. haha, why have it any other way? 

    At work (which is a karaoke bar) no one lets me play my ipod for that very reason.  But one day, I come in begging to play "all my new songs" (i.e 3) and they say ok. victory! So it's in. About 7 minutes after, I hear "Jules, what is this?!" haha, I should have warned them that after "Drop it Low" is "Broken Vow" by Josh Groban...whoops..

My Bucket List.

After watching The Buried Life (this awesome show on MTV where it's just a group of guys who have this giant bus and are touring the USA doing everything on their Bucket List) ..after watching that, Kasey (my roommate) started to make her bucket list.  She had a lot of cool things on there, and what was the most interesting to me, were the ones that were random/acheieveble, like "sitting on the turf below the airplane when it takes off".  That's really neat! (ha, 'neat' is such a 5th grade adjective) but yeah, NEAT! I mean, I personally would never do that because I can't even handle loud music, but for her, that's so fitting.  So it got me thinking: what would be on my list? So here's what i came up with: 

 1.be the lead in a musical (with someone singing and I lip sync)

2.ball room dance well in some hot latin club

3.horse back ride: canter

4.body surf in big waves

5.dance on the table of a poppin’ club

6.do an ice skating routine to “al improviso amore” by Josh Groban

7.walk a st. benard (a Beethoven dog, if you will)

8.water ski

9. twirl a baton well

10. be on a billboard

11.write a book

12.have one of my plays performed

13.zip line over a tropical place

14.Eat a really fancy meal (think; giant white plates, blob of food in the center, and tons of drizzled sauce)

...so I'm at #14. It's really hard. You try. It's fun. and makes you think.

My girl Miley.

Miley Cyrus. Yep. that's right. If you saw her at the Oscars, I bet you were just floored by how stunning she looked. I know I was. Also, I noticed that one of her front teeth is longer than the other by just a smidge (thank god she has a flaw!) but that just makes her real and not just some fantastical pop star creature.  And yeah, she was slumping in her $247928272 dress, but um, HELLO! SHE IS ONLY 17! MY POSTURE STILL SUCKS! and so does many other people's I know! And she was nervous! So give her a break.

Now, I have seen her show...(kinda against my will, but there was nothing else on, and my little sister really likes it sooOoo) and i must say...Billy Ray Cyrus cannot act. Sorry Billy, you just ain't funny. Now, Emily Joel Osman (yep, that kid who saw dead people's sister) on the otherhand, is a GREAT actress! so funny, really natural. Bravo Emily! And Miley....well, she is just beautiful...and has a cool voice..but I don't think she will be winning an emmy anytime soon..which actually doesn't even matter because she already has so many awards that winning an emmy is just an afterthought. 

And people...Miley Cyrus is not a hoe. She is not. Sure, she wears tiny little shorts and cowboy boots and kinda did a little pole dance at one of her concerts, but really? She is just trying to transition from being this little buck-toothed kid to a teenager/adult...in front of THE WORLD. She can't be singing about puppies and rainbows in fluffy pink dresses forever! And she does put on a good show..at least, from what I could see on Youtube. 

"But she's not even talented!"- something I have often heard from the haters. and yes, you are kind of right; she isn't a great belter like Kelly Clarkson, soulful like Aretha, or amazing like Celine, but she DOES have a good voice.  I challenge you to sing Party in the USA. and not just all mumbly and to yourself (because when we do that, we somehow always sound good) I mean, I want you to sing it, FULL VOICE, and add some dance moves in there.  Then see how hard it is. 

ps: those pictures of her like, baring her midriff and making little sexy- kissy faces to the camera- everyone was so shocked to see those, and I'm like, CMON! we have all taken those kind of pictures when we were 15 because we thought it was so "cool and sexy" to post on Myspace...And you're lying if you say you didn't. haha, looking back it's like whoa! I look rediculous. but then, you were like, "oh yeah, i am hott"...with double T's, of course.

In summation; Miley- you go girl. We are just jealous. 

My girl Miley.

Miley Cyrus. Yep. that's right. If you saw her at the Oscars, I bet you were just floored by how stunning she looked. I know I was. Also, I noticed that one of her front teeth is longer than the other by just a smidge (thank god she has a flaw!) but that just makes her real and not just some fantastical pop star creature.  And yeah, she was slumping in her $247928272 dress, but um, HELLO! SHE IS ONLY 17! MY POSTURE STILL SUCKS! and so does many other people's I know! And she was nervous! So give her a break.

Now, I have seen her show...(kinda against my will, but there was nothing else on, and my little sister really likes it sooOoo) and i must say...Billy Ray Cyrus cannot act. Sorry Billy, you just ain't funny. Now, Emily Joel Osman (yep, that kid who saw dead people's sister) on the otherhand, is a GREAT actress! so funny, really natural. Bravo Emily! And Miley....well, she is just beautiful...and has a cool voice..but I don't think she will be winning an emmy anytime soon..which actually doesn't even matter because she already has so many awards that winning an emmy is just an afterthought. 

And people...Miley Cyrus is not a hoe. She is not. Sure, she wears tiny little shorts and cowboy boots and kinda did a little pole dance at one of her concerts, but really? She is just trying to transition from being this little buck-toothed kid to a teenager/adult...in front of THE WORLD. She can't be singing about puppies and rainbows in fluffy pink dresses forever! And she does put on a good show..at least, from what I could see on Youtube. 

"But she's not even talented!"- something I have often heard from the haters. and yes, you are kind of right; she isn't a great belter like Kelly Clarkson, soulful like Aretha, or amazing like Celine, but she DOES have a good voice.  I challenge you to sing Party in the USA. and not just all mumbly and to yourself (because when we do that, we somehow always sound good) I mean, I want you to sing it, FULL VOICE, and add some dance moves in there.  Then see how hard it is. 

ps: those pictures of her like, baring her midriff and making little sexy- kissy faces to the camera- everyone was so shocked to see those, and I'm like, CMON! we have all taken those kind of pictures when we were 15 because we thought it was so "cool and sexy" to post on Myspace...And you're lying if you say you didn't. haha, looking back it's like whoa! I look rediculous. but then, you were like, "oh yeah, i am hott"...with double T's, of course.

In summation; Miley- you go girl. We are just jealous. 

Pigeons.

..wow. that took me 6 tries to get the spelling right. But hey, don't call me stupid.  I've just never EVER had to ever spell the word "pigeon" before. And it's not a word I often see in books or magazines or anything. So there.

So about pigeons..why are there so many? and why doesn't anyone ever keep one as a pet? They remind me of a cornish hen..and some are actually kind of pretty looking. They make that cool "woooo" sound.  I mean, if people keep RATS as pets, then why not pigeons? The only person I know (or know of) that likes pigeons is Bert (from Ernie and Bert...the one with the unibrow; the boring one. the one who read books and was always cranky. Now come to think of it, those two characters must have been inspired by the play The Odd Couple..right?!) So yeah he likes them..hmm this post is pretty lame. haha. but I really did want to get that whole 'why-dont-people-love-pigeons-as-pets' spheal (shh-peel) off my chest.

GOO BILLYYYYY!!!

I have been yelling that ever since I saw Billy Elliot the musical...which was only 4 hours ago, haha. BUT STILL. i don't know if I'll ever be able to stop.  Because why?  Because, my dear friends, Billy Elliot is the absolute BEST musical I have ever seen...but before you run off and go pay a zillion dollars to see what you think is going to be the greatest musical of all time, perhaps I should tell you this: I am a sucker for kids with talent.  In fact, I am *such* a sucker for lil' kids with talent, that when I'm bored, THAT is exactly what I type in the Youtube search engine: "little kids with talent".  Does this make me creepy? no. because I am a girl, so there. (boys who do that *are* creepy, and so if you are one of them, you should stop now because that makes you a pedophile and therefore a dangerous freak) 

ANYWAY. back to Billy. (GOOO BILLLYYYY!) see, told ya. anyway, so yeah, I love kids with talent, and in this show, there are many of them. but all of the ensemble-kids' talent combined would not equal HALF of the talent that the boy Dayton Tavares) playing Billy Elliot has. Oh. MY. GAWD. he was perfectly casted. His accent was by far, the most convincing (well,the father's was really good too) and he had the same kind of pre-teen, boy-y, raspy-ness that the actual Billy Elliot (and by 'actual' i mean the actor from the movie) had. And he was a really good actor too! Dayton wasn't overly-'musical-theatre' which was why he was so captivating. Too much in-your-face-acting turns me off...and there was (unfortunately) a lot of that in this show as well...thankfully, not too much, because Billy was the lead but it did not go unnoticed!

Take Billy's best friend Michael. Now, I *loved* Michael when I saw the movie because he was innocent, pure, sweet and soft-spoken. So, maybe I was a bit biased when this Michael came on stage all loud and super-gay.  Like, obnoxiously gay. I was like 'wait, what? what happened to the sweet little Michael I knew and loved?'  And his accent was nootttt up to par with the others.  I understand that accents are hard and that he was only like 13 yrs old, but then figure out a way to 'get by'.  I guess in effort to be clearly understood, he said his lines super-slow and ennunciated every single word..with his awful accent. "Bill-llayyy cah-muh heee-ruhhh!" sorry kid, I kinda dreaded you speakin'.  He was a good tap dancer, I'll give him that. But I thought the dance sequence with the giant mascot-like dresses was weird.  The two were entertaining enough on their own!  

I loved the dad. His accent was dead-on, the way he screamed all of his lines was totally in character, and I loved the "real-ness" of his acting.  In fact, he almost made me cry!..but then he bust out into song, and my tears quickly recoiled.  He was never supposed to be a funny character, but his stern-ness and masculinity made him funny (especially during the cigerette scene at the ballet school!) but that led to is downfall.  After recieving HUGE laughs from the audience during that scene, i think he got a little attention-hungry (which is normal, ya know? once you get some laughs, you get comfortable..and a little sloppy) Because after that scene, he started to get really "joke-y" and animated, which I found dissapoining, because I loved him as the stern but tender-hearted dad.  And now he was this expressive 'funny' guy?! whyyyyyyyy.

Quick note about Mrs. Wilkison: she needs red bull. Her songs were all flat, her dancing was so-so. She just wasn't memorable.  She had a kind of "debbie-downer" energy which I could feel even from the cheap seats! 

Overall, this show was AMAZING because of the dancing and how talented little Billy was. So sharp, so flexible, so ON POINT! My feet were getting antsy because his energy was infectious.  The technical aspect of this show is worth noting too.  The sets were simple and big, but they were so well-painted and put together that you didn't need much to get the feel of the scene.  The bed/kitchen and table set that popped out of the floor (through trap doors) really added a lot to the stage and made for smooth transitions.

 

I'm tanning.

Yes, it's true: I am tanning again.  And you can stop with all your "tsk tsk-ing" and finger-wagging, because duh, I know tanning is bad for you.  But I just can't stand being mistaken for a Twilight cast member any more.  You say "porcelain" and I say "pale".  And no one looks good pale. Well, except for Nicole Kidman...and babies. But babies don't really count because they always look cute no matter what. Not so true for young adults.  We look better with healthy glows. (give or take the "healthy" part)

 But the thing about an Irish girl tanning is that...well, we don't. We freckle. and that, my friends, is precisely what is happening. Freckles freckles everywhere.  It's unavoidable.  But i decided long ago, that I'd rather be a freckly kind of tan than a orange kind of tan...which is the kind I would be if I used fake tanner from the bottle.  That never works out. EVER.  

I have only been going for about a week now, so I only have a few sprinklings of freckles. but just you wait. Give me another month and I'll be COVERED.
That's me all freckle-fied.  

i. HATE. blue cheese.

Let me just preface this story by saying how much i loathe blue cheese.  It is actually my least favorite condiment of ALL TIME.  When I am forced to refill the dressings at work, I always take extra precaution when handling the blue cheese because I go bezerk when I get even a little dribble on my fingers. (And yet, as much as I hate it, i always forced myself to smell it. which is crazy, because i know what it smells like (baby vomit and milk) but i *always* do it!..it's like some weird form of self-torture or something. gah.) So anyways...

 At work the other night, a man asked for yet, another "side of blue cheese", and I, being the dutiful waitress that I am, ran to go get it for him.  Although this time, the squirt-bottle of blue cheese was being particularly difficult.  So I squeezed and I squeezed, but alas; nothing.  So instead of taking the top off and seeing what could be blocking the spout (that would take too much time), I just used all of my strength to squeeze it because I just *had* to get this cup of blue cheese to the customer in need! and then......

SPLAT. <--that's the sound of 3 tons of blue cheese ERUPTING from the bottle and onto my face, hair, and shirt. I froze. I didn't know whether to scream, cry, laugh, or just collapse on the floor.  So I just ran into the bathroom and started to laugh/cry trying to wash my hair with the crappy hand-sanitizer and sink-water.  The other waitress walks in and was like "i followed the blue cheese trail!  haha, are you okay? did it spill?"  HAH. did it spill..so I walk out, my hair- soaking wet, my face -frozen in a crazed smile, and my work shirt in my hand..she stopped laughing once she saw my deranged state. "Omg, I'll get you a rag and a new shirt." and off she went, leaving me to laugh/cry some more.

Did I smell like sour milk and baby puke? Yes. Was the replacement shirt I had to wear found in the basement from months ago? Yes. But did I continue working with a smile on my face? YES...guess it's just the waitress in me..